Feb 11, 2008

February 11, 2008: Fornicator’s Remorse, Paradise Lost, Holy Huckabee

Fornicator’s remorse is to awake next morning and find that you had got more in the night’s transaction than you had bargained for. And so at closing time last Tuesday night the good Marshall of Tombstone went down to the Bar-None saloon and struck a quick bargain with the barfly of ambition. After a long night of heated passion between the good Marshall of Tombstone and the Republican Party, each awoke on the morning after with not only with a colossal headache but a case of the clap. It is not clear, as of this writing, who gave what to whom but from the maiden’s not so righteous indignation it appears that the good Marshall took more than his guns and his spurs upstairs with him.

And so Wednesday morning could be heard the hue and cry reverberate down Main Street as the Grand Old Vixen protesting her sullied virtue promised never to do business with him again. How long she sticks to this resolution will depend on how much she drinks; for the night is long and there are now few other prospects. The Marshall, for his part, merely smiled as he emerged from Doc Reagan’s office protesting that he has always been ‘one of the boys’.

Her sisters cried foul, with James Dobson of ‘Focus on the Family’ taking the shopworn maiden to the Reverend Huckleberry for absolution. The Reverend pronounced the transgression to be so serious as to require a ‘fair-tax’ baptism involving full emersion. It was difficult enough to get the aging pachyderm into that horse trough in front of the General Store; but now the Right Reverend is out stumping the land seeking to reclaim the virtues of paradise lost by blessing the aging vixen in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Huckabee. He has met with some success, trouncing McCain in Kansas and winning narrowly in Louisiana leading the Reverend to proclaim himself to be god’s very own work in the making. Stripped of the hubris, we have seen this before …Jerry Brown winning a string of primaries in 1976 when Jimmy Carter was on the verge of sewing up the nomination, Gary Hart winning 11 of the last 12 Democratic primaries in 1984 as the party looked down the barrel of the Mondale candidacy. No Huck, these are not the works of god, these are not victories for your righteous cause, these are merely the manifestations of Fornicator’s Remorse. This is not that the country has suddenly found religion as in some second ‘Great Awakening”. No Huck this is what happens in politics when you wake up in the morning with a smile on your face only to find that you’ve caught the clap.

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